Essay Engaging Conflict

I previously attended a large, well funded church that could have many resources in place for people.  It had an entire children’s wing, a sanctuary, a contemporary worship space, and two cry rooms.  The church had over a thousand members, and was located in one of the wealthiest communities in the region.  The church was also in a big transition, the rector had announced his retirement, there was split opinion on who should take the position, and a new rector from outside the church was called to lead.  The roots of this conflict started before this transition, but took place during the transition, and the months following.  

There was interest growing in the church about acceptance and becoming more welcoming, yet when I advocated for neurodiversity inclusion I faced a lot of disinterest. I went through several of the pastors trying to spread ideas on how the church could be more aware and supportive of their neurodivergent members and families. Realizing that nothing was being considered or discussed, I reached out to the fairly newly in charge rector to set up a meeting.  

After about a week with no response, I popped into his office to see if he could speak for even 15 minutes, luckily he was available. I explained how one of the issues was there was nowhere for neurodivergent people to go when they are overwhelmed at church.  He responded why couldn;t the kid just go to a cry room.  I explained that sometimes our son seems to lose control of his body, and I don't feel that it's fair to put a child who is struggling to control themselves in a room full of nursing mothers and babies.  I also pointed out that this doesn’t help the adults who need supports.  He said that he would think about it and form a committee. I also asked for a process to be in place that when the directors of the preschool and elementary school, or directors of children’s or student ministries learn of a family going through the diagnosis process, or newly diagnosed that they inform the pastoral staff to reach out in support of the family.  

 A few weeks later I was invited to a committee by the children’s ministry director and was glad to see a step forward, but also annoyed that a)this was left as a children’s problem, and b)the children’s ministry director was a few weeks out from having a baby, how was this going to be an effective committee if the leader was on leave?  I believe that as she was also aware that this committee wasn’t going to go anywhere as the only meeting had no real direction, goal, or future thinking.  My second request was also never implemented as far as I am aware.  We left the church about a year after this meeting, so I have not had the energy and mental capacity to follow up.

I tried to send additional information or request another meeting, but he never responded.  Even when I reached out to the pastoral staff to let them know we were leaving for another church, he never responded.  About a year and a half later I reached out to him about reconciliation, which was the first time he responded.  We met for coffee and talked about what had happened.  It was strange, since suddenly he seemed very accommodating, and making big changes at the church.  To this day, I wonder why he wasn’t interested in supporting people in the past.